March 21st, 2011
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Stalecakes Part 3
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Darwin’s Game in Review – DMG2 (Part 2 of 3)
September 30th, 2009

Nothing hits harder to home to me than Nerds, we make fantastic bad guys. Who else can give you movie quotes and sci-fi trivia in the middle of a raging battle? Using the Dungeon Masters Guide 2, I create a Monster Template for including Nerd Monsters in your own DnD game.

Nerds!

From the Halls of Mordor’s Server Room, and the basement of your parent’s house, comes the most powerful creatures ever…

Attacks Powers

Nerdfire

Nerdfire (standard; encounter)
The Nerd makes a melee basic attack. The attack gains the fire and nerd keywords, and if the attack hits, the target takes ongoing 5 fire damage and suffers -2 Will as the Nerd’s rage eats away at the target (save ends both).

“No I will NOT fix your computer!”

Geek Authority

Geek Authority aura 2; Any other Nerds in the aura deal 1d6 extra damage to a creature granting combat advantage.

“I know what I’m talking about, I’ve read the manual.”

Madding Flurry of Smacks

Maddening Flurry of Smacks (standard; encounter)
Automatically hit every creature around you 5 times, but only do 1 point of damage total to each one. Each target also suffers -2 to Will as his friends make fun of him for getting hit by a nerd (save ends).

“MEEEEHHH!!!”

Utility Powers

Read All The Books

Read All The Books (immediate interrupt ; recharge 5 6)
The Nerd knows all the Player Character’s powers. As an immediate interrupt the Nerd shifts 4 squares if doing so will take him out of the power’s range.

“It’s almost like he knows what you’re going to do before you do.“

Call of Dorks

Call of Dorks (standard; encounter)
The Nerd summons 10 dorkling minions to fight for him.

“With a mighty bellow of movie quotes, sci-fi references, and geek terms, the Nerd summons a horde of dorkling minions.“

Geekgasm

Geekgasm (minor; encounter)
Their must be four other Nerds, Dorklings, or Geeks within 10 squares of the Nerd who uses this power. Overcome by the amount of Nerdiness in the area, the Nerd Monster regains half it’s hit points, but suffers -4 to attack for the rest of the encounter.

“Some one needs a tissue and a nap.”

Monster Nerds

Dorklings

Grip Demon

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Posters – Darwin’s Nightmare
September 28th, 2009

A poster version of this week’s webcomic will be on sale soon, probably next week some time.

Altsad Issue 1 Bonus Page 2 Poster Version 20090925b-01-01

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24 Hour Comic Day
September 24th, 2009

The 24 Hour Comic Day is coming up on Saturday, October 3rd. The gist is that you should draw 24 pages of comics in 24 hours with out any planning. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to go straight by the rules or if I’m going to try to work on Altsad pages during that period. I plan on starting at noon that day and going to noon on Sunday.

I’ll keep you posted as I make up my mind what I plan on doing.

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Darwin’s Games in Review – DMG2 (part 1 of 3)
September 23rd, 2009

Darwin-DnD-with-Hat-20090920

Having wrestled back the money Kevin borrowed from me for his smokey smokes I was finally able to get a hold of the new Dungeon Master’s Guide 2. You’d think he’d has been more grateful I was asking for the money, after all it is for a game he’s a player in.

This is going to be a three part blog entry focusing on what parts of the book I really liked, and showcasing my custom creations for use in your campaigns.

In the first part I’m showcasing a very real world Trap and a Terrain Power used in almost every game in the world, Kegs O’ Beer.

Traps
Nobody makes a better trap than me, they’re just like my plans except lacking Crayola and with a 22% better chance to spontaeously discombobulate their victims.

Kissing Kendra Monster                                                          Level 8 Elite Lurker
Trap                                                                                                         XP 700
A female monster is probably painting, or smelling, or something in the middle of the room. She is completely unresponsive, too busy listening to music, until a player comes with in 2 squares of her. At that point she turns around and charges the player, screeching something stupid, and trying to plan her lips of death upon them.
Trap: A summoned monster tries to kiss the player with acidic saliva lips.
Perception
  • DC 8: The woman looks to be evil and smelly.
  • DC 19: She’s listening to something, probably Death Metal, or Bane Metal in this case.
  • DC 24: You think the person next to you is dumb enough to walk up to the monster if you tell them it’s just an illusion and it’s harmless.
Trigger
A player, of any gender, steps to with in 2 squares of the monster.
Attack
Standard Action
Melee Target: The creature that was foolish enough to trigger the trap.
Attack: +11 vs. Fortitude
Hit: 2d6 + 5 acid damage as she tries to melt you with her goo-liva, and the target is automatically restrained by the woman (DC 25 to break her hold). Kissing Monster gains +2 to hit against anybody named Kevin.
Countermeasures
  • Characters named Darwin are automatically smart enough to make sure someone else triggers the trap.
  • She has Defenses of 10 and 20 HP, so kick the crap out of her already.
  • Sneak past her, DC 20.
  • Wear plastic acid proof lips.

Terrain Power
You’d a thunk they would have remember the best terrain feature in the world, kegs of beer. Alas they seemed to forget the one object found in the opening scene of 95% of all DnD games.

Kegs O’ Beer                                                                           At-will Terrain
Keg’s of beer sit behind the bar, perfect for players to smash over the heads of their enemies. You are about to commit the worst party foul of all time.
Standard Action
Requirement: You must be 21 or older to be behind the bar and standing adjacent to the stacks of Kegs.
Check: Strength (hard DC) check to pick up a barrel and Athletics (moderate DC) check to throw it, and a morality check (extremely hard DC) cause your wasting beer.
Success: The beer keg hits the target, busts open, and spills beer everywhere.
Target: 1 creature up to 4 squares away.
Attack: Level vs. Reflex (remember that both the target and the player may be drunk so add modifiers as necessary)
Hit: Target is pushed 3 squares, knocked prone and dazed (save ends both), and takes 5 points of damage. Player takes 1 point of crying damage over spilled beer.

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Shades of Pink Kryptonite
September 16th, 2009

Pink, it scares me, it really does. When pink became the new black, it also became my new Kryptonite.  Now it doesn’t scare me when worn by people… well most people, it just scares me when used for decoration or for the purpose of decorating my body.  At that point, I share Darwin’s response and freak out until the danger has passed, I’m at my weakest when exposed to shades of pink.

Fan count is going up each week, slowly but surely. A record breaking amount of people saw page 12 when it launched on Monday. It brings a smile to my face thinking that people are enjoying my comic. Some of the new readers are coming in from Webcomic List and Top Web Comics, two web comic lists where I’ve recently registered Altsad. Random visitors via search engines are still rare, but they are finding the website and through some very unusual search words. I have listed the most interesting ones below along with my interpretation of them.

Search Words Used to Find Altsad and My Interpretations

Search Words Interpretation
action porn red shirt Some poor Trekkie was looking for porn and found my site.
barbarian background Obviously Altsad is synonymous with testosterone and things
like swords, beer, and loin cloths.
countdown calendar to being a grandma Yeah… I don’t have anything for this one…
horror mojo Nobody knows the horror like Darwin, and nobody has produced
it more in him than Kendra.
kendra caresses “I’m not sure what Kendra would be caressing outside of
Kevin or a battery operated device.” – Darwin
ntense underwear Nope, that’s not a misspelling, at least not on my part. I’m
glad to be part of the proud web sites who offers ntense
underwear, it’s like a dream come true.

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Banners are Weird
September 9th, 2009

Only exception is Bruce Banner, he’s awesome.

I’m curious about what people think of pages that display banners. I’m not talking about ad banners, but linking agreement banners. You know, where sites show off each others banners in mutual friendship and agreement. I’m not really too keen on them myself, but that’s because I think the pages with them normally look very tacky. I’m not saying it isn’t possible to have a list of banners to look awesome, but most of them seem to be a jumbled mess.

I got started thinking about banners mainly because I’ve had to make a few of them for listing Altsad on sites that display ranks and listings of webcomics and such. Mine are below, let me know what you think about them by commenting on this post.

Oh and by the bye, the TrueKevin may be making appearances on occasion, I have in my infinite wisdom granted him the ability to post with a special, if a bit skewed, image of Kevin. Maybe in the alternative universe the TrueKevin is a skewed version of Kevin, shorter and out of focus?  One wonders if perhaps I was hitting the bottle the night I e-mailed him about it.

Altsad-Banner-1-Darwin-20090909Altsad-Banner-2-Kevin-20090909

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Kendra in the Buff
September 2nd, 2009

Theories abound about Darwin’s feinting spell. The initial trigger in question, was it because of his little experience with women causing him to be light headed at one of their gender’s revealed form or was it the nude form of the pale Kendra that shot horror through his addled brain? Which ever it was his solid skull managed to hold it together despite impacting the concrete below. It seems as if everything Darwin doesn’t want to happen occurs at regular intervals, almost as if it were planned that way.

The sites been updated! Outside of giving you all a chance to praise, criticize, and throw shoes at, some of Altsad’s characters may occasionally be stopping by to comment on the comics. Some of them are very quiet and may only rarely stop by for a chat, while others may very rarely shut up.

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Altsad 1.5
August 30th, 2009

The website is now on version 1.5.

1. Top title now links to the front page.

2. Comment system is online for blogs and comics.

3. RSS feed should have a link for commenting.

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The Smell of Friends and The Comics of Strange People
August 26th, 2009

Darwin’s plan are often large and ornate, but drawn in the most simple of manners. One may say that while he uses genius for the planning, he results to Crayola for the drawing. During the execution of his last plan Kendra had spotted him hiding in the bushes, I mean how could she not? He wasn’t being very sneaky, with his tripod, video camera, blanket, and large banner that read “Good Bye Kendra, and Thanks for All the Fishy Smells.” When the men had come with the cage and started asking her questions about a rare 300 pound nude white smelly gorilla, she had instantly known who to blame. The black eye had been painful, but at least she hadn’t busted his video camera. He had been worried about that, it was works’ after all.

When drawing this I was afraid of people asking me, who in my life smelled bad. Those ubiquitous friends popping out of the woodwork with exclamations and questions and declarations and all such “tions” in relation to them potentially smelling. I wish to remind them, this is a comic, drawn poorly and written comically. Although as such, one deranged gent, who figures himself to be the Real Kevin has created an Alt Altsad featuring what he thinks should have occurred on Page 9. He also has written a blog post to go along with it.

———Being TheTrueKevin Rant errr Blog Post———

Hi, my name is the TheTrueKevin and I don’t know if you are aware, but Altsad is loosely based on the authors past history and experiences with real life friends.  That is why I chose this particular handle today.  You see, I am the person that Kevin is based on, and being that, I have a right to voice the mistreatment of my character.  I also have a right to a percentage of the profits since I am my own intellectual property, but we will cross that bridge later.  Darwin of course is based on the author, and the author has taken liberties with Darwin as well.  Darwin is better looking, smarter and more interesting than the author, while Kevin is sillier, and in real life has a far better groomed goatee.  This is why I am going to form the People for the Proper Treatment of Kevin Society.  When the website goes up, you can pay $15 to join me in protecting the truth behind the fiction.  We take Paypal.

Anyways, my mother reads ALTSAD and she cried for hours after she was done with issue 1, page 8 and the way it portrayed her lovely son Kevin (Me, in case you forgot.).  Darwin is kind of like my mother’s adopted son, not in a “Mom has more love to give” sort of way, more in a “Mom needs people to help me move” type, but adopted son nonetheless.  So she didn’t understand why Darwin would portray Kevin like that.  After consoling her for hours, I decided to show how Darwin was flawed in his remembrance of days past and how things REALLY were.  Now since I don’t have all those advanced super tools that Darwin the artist does, my version of the comic might not be as pretty as his, but more importantly it is how it really happened.  I urge you to read my version of Altsad Issue 1 page 8 and realize you can’t stop the truth!

Alt-Altsad Page 8 - TheTrueKevin

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The Chance to Disagree About a Goatee
August 19th, 2009

This week’s comic is dedicated to the driver of the white car whose music always played at such a high level that people miles away could hear the nuances in his eclectic taste of music. There were times while I was trapped in the passenger seat of his car, subjected to the forced inhalation of his habitual smoking, that I thought I would lose both my sense of smell and hearing. Although he was charitable with the smoking and tried to roll down the window when he lit up his habit. There are times I wonder how I survived those days, and there are times it would be nice to go back to them. Oddly enough this Mr. P, the owner of the car, grew a goatee just so he could look like my Altsad character Kevin. He may have had the goatee before Kevin was put to paper, but in my head Kevin existed long before I met him, and therefor he, my friend, came from Kevin and not the other way around. I’m sure he would agree with me, especially since I will not give him a chance on this blog to disagree. :)

Back to the comic, I wonder how many of you out there have had the same thing happen to you, right when you talk about the impossibility of something,  it happens. I imagine, and hope for your sake, it was not as embarrassing as it was for Darwin. He is mostly used to it, even going so far as to state completely impossible things in the hopes that they will come true, however as of yet Optimus Prime has not sprung into existence, he hasn’t become betrothed to The Baroness, and He-man’s sword hasn’t turned up at his house.

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